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Drugs, Dreams, & Douchebags

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Ever have something happen to you that you swore wouldn’t? Yeah, me too. A few times, but this is a good example from this past weekend. I’m finally thinking straight enough to get it out halfway comprehensible. šŸ™‚

So going out with friends downtown seems harmless enough, until it’s not. It seems to have happened in a blink of an eye. One second I was hanging out with friends then the next momentĀ I am waking up in an ER scared and missing a whole chunk of my night from my memory. Had I been watching my drink, this could have been prevented.

I found it harmless to walk away from my drink to talk to complete strangers, how wrong was I? Very, to put it lightly. Because this is the last thing I remember until waking up in theĀ  ER at about 4 in the morning.

Well I take that back. I remember characters from the show from Once Upon a Time attempting to attack me. (Appartently I had been watching that a bit too much.) I remember a neckbrace and hands coming at me and I was fighitng them off, because I thought I was being held against my will. These were all the people of downtown, I am assuming. Then, they were the doctors and nurses trying to help me after I fell off a curb and hit my head.

I am told I fell off a curb and hit my head, which the bump on my head and nasty knee easily proves. I am told I passed out but came to shortly after, none of which I remember. I am also told none of this is my fault, but I can’t help to feel it could have easily been prevented. I can’t help but feel it could haveĀ been so much worse had my roomate let me go with the guy from the bar that was angry when she told him I was going with her.

I remember at one point (during my hallucinations) a doctor came in with a piece of paper and a cell phone. On the paper was my boyfriends phone number. I thought, “Thank God,” this is a “good guy” and he has come to help me escape. I literally left a voicemail on my boyfriend’s phone to come get meĀ in which he could barely hear because I was terrified the other doctors and nurses would find out I was attempting to escape.

When I started to come to I remember a nurse asking me personal info, my address which I am not completely sure I gave the correct one, and an emergency contact. I gave her my mom’s name but my dad’s cell number. A number I have not dialed or thought ofĀ in over two years. He passed away in August of 2011. I did not even realize I still had that hidden away in my brain somewhere.

The nurse tells me with shock in her voice that my alcohol level was not high at all. I guess they thought I had just had too much since my roomate told them I wasn’t on drugs. I have never done a drug in my life so there was no reason to think I had. The same nurse said she could tell that I was a completely different person and totally out of it when I came in.

Then my boyfriend comes in and I finally feel the relief that everything is going to be okay. Walking out, in scrubs because my clothes were way past saving, I swore that I was back in my hometown hospital waiting room where my dad was when he had his heart problem. I started asking why they would take me there and wondering how they knew where he had been. Tears begin to fall regardless of all the peoples eyes pinned on me. It was not until I got in the car that I realized I was four hours away from home and being there would be impossible.

On the way home I was still way out of it but at least I was half consious of the actual world and not some imaginary one I cooked up in my mind. It has been five days since that happened, I went back to work on Monday which might not have been the best idea. I have just been so tired and aching for this bump on the back of my head to go away.

After all is said and done I am just so thankful that it was not worse.

Two weird random facts:
1. I dreamed the night I got out about a huge wave of water fixing to crash over me. I watched the next episode of Once Upon a Time the next day, I saw the same wave in that episode. I had never seen a preview or anything of the sorts.
2. Remember the phoneĀ number & me thinking I was in a hospital from back home? Quote from the same episode, “Isn’t it funny how things you haven’t thought of in years can still have the ability to make you cry?” I told my best friend, & he said maybe your dad is trying to tell you something.. After that message from himĀ this is the next quote, “In order to move on and not keep making the same mistake you have to let go of the past.” This was all about rumplestilskins dad. The fact that I’ve been having problems letting go of my losses, just kinda seemed weird how it all played out.

But if you take anything from this story let it be,Ā it can happen to you. If you are going out, watch your drink. Make sure you are in good company. Watch out for douchebags. & if you plan on getting blood and vomit all over the place, don’t wear your favorite outfit..

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Suicide our Sadness

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Ā 

We always hear for whatever we are going through someone is going through something worse, right? This is totally true, but this does not change that every person’s problem is their own and they are dealing with it on a day to day basis.

I was working on a project including a collaboration of poems that tell the story of the day to day problems of the people around me and around you. Sad that these problems are abuse, death, suicide, poverty, alcoholism, mental illness, abandonment, the list goes on.

Well my next step was to write a twist on all of these, all 25 that I came up with. Why was it that when I sat down to write the positive, trying to tell these people that it would all be okay that I drew a blank?? Keep in mind I easily sat and wrote about the pain and sadness. Why was it easier to write on pain.. Is it because that is what this world has gotten use to? Is it what I have gotten use to?

I am usually a very positive person and try to twist every bad situation into something good. I truly believe everything happens for a reason, even though some have to wait longer for that reason than others.

Also, I was able to scrape up some good out of the bottom of my brain & I know it is there, just not on the surface. So I will continue to look for the good and help my fictional characters that are suffering from the different struggles of life get to happiness and free of their pain.

For now I will share with you my response to the world, to the people and all the souls that make it up. A longing and a prayer. Words that long for hope in the darkness.

Ā 

Suicide our sadness
suffer no more
say the secrets that are seeping
through our minds
through our souls
stand for our sorrows
sedate the loneliness
succumb to the surreal thought of someday
someday it will be better
someday we will succeed
someday there will be hope
someday we will be saved
for yesterday holds our secrets
but tomorrow holds our soul
seek out sorrowed darkness
the sacrifice made
for you
for me
to dream a dream
to wish a wish
with solemn prayers
that someone can
save you
save me
save us
set us free

Ā 

P.S. Photo above is by me šŸ™‚