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Drugs, Dreams, & Douchebags

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Ever have something happen to you that you swore wouldn’t? Yeah, me too. A few times, but this is a good example from this past weekend. I’m finally thinking straight enough to get it out halfway comprehensible. ūüôā

So going out with friends downtown seems harmless enough, until it’s not. It seems to have happened in a blink of an eye. One second I was hanging out with friends then the next moment¬†I am waking up in an ER scared and missing a whole chunk of my night from my memory. Had I been watching my drink, this could have been prevented.

I found it harmless to walk away from my drink to talk to complete strangers, how wrong was I? Very, to put it lightly. Because this is the last thing I remember until waking up in the  ER at about 4 in the morning.

Well I take that back. I remember characters from the show from Once Upon a Time attempting to attack me. (Appartently I had been watching that a bit too much.) I remember a neckbrace and hands coming at me and I was fighitng them off, because I thought I was being held against my will. These were all the people of downtown, I am assuming. Then, they were the doctors and nurses trying to help me after I fell off a curb and hit my head.

I am told I fell off a curb and hit my head, which the bump on my head and nasty knee easily proves. I am told I passed out but came to shortly after, none of which I remember. I am also told none of this is my fault, but I can’t help to feel it could have easily been prevented. I can’t help but feel it could have¬†been so much worse had my roomate let me go with the guy from the bar that was angry when she told him I was going with her.

I remember at one point (during my hallucinations) a doctor came in with a piece of paper and a cell phone. On the paper was my boyfriends phone number. I thought, “Thank God,” this is a “good guy” and he has come to help me escape. I literally left a voicemail on my boyfriend’s phone to come get me¬†in which he could barely hear because I was terrified the other doctors and nurses would find out I was attempting to escape.

When I started to come to I remember a nurse asking me personal info, my address which I am not completely sure I gave the correct one, and an emergency contact. I gave her my mom’s name but my dad’s cell number. A number I have not dialed or thought of¬†in over two years. He passed away in August of 2011. I did not even realize I still had that hidden away in my brain somewhere.

The nurse tells me with shock in her voice that my alcohol level was not high at all. I guess they thought I had just had too much since my roomate told them I wasn’t on drugs. I have never done a drug in my life so there was no reason to think I had. The same nurse said she could tell that I was a completely different person and totally out of it when I came in.

Then my boyfriend comes in and I finally feel the relief that everything is going to be okay. Walking out, in scrubs because my clothes were way past saving, I swore that I was back in my hometown hospital waiting room where my dad was when he had his heart problem. I started asking why they would take me there and wondering how they knew where he had been. Tears begin to fall regardless of all the peoples eyes pinned on me. It was not until I got in the car that I realized I was four hours away from home and being there would be impossible.

On the way home I was still way out of it but at least I was half consious of the actual world and not some imaginary one I cooked up in my mind. It has been five days since that happened, I went back to work on Monday which might not have been the best idea. I have just been so tired and aching for this bump on the back of my head to go away.

After all is said and done I am just so thankful that it was not worse.

Two weird random facts:
1. I dreamed the night I got out about a huge wave of water fixing to crash over me. I watched the next episode of Once Upon a Time the next day, I saw the same wave in that episode. I had never seen a preview or anything of the sorts.
2. Remember the phone¬†number & me thinking I was in a hospital from back home? Quote from the same episode, “Isn’t it funny how things you haven’t thought of in years can still have the ability to make you cry?” I told my best friend, & he said maybe your dad is trying to tell you something.. After that message from him¬†this is the next quote, “In order to move on and not keep making the same mistake you have to let go of the past.” This was all about rumplestilskins dad. The fact that I’ve been having problems letting go of my losses, just kinda seemed weird how it all played out.

But if you take anything from this story let it be,¬†it can happen to you. If you are going out, watch your drink. Make sure you are in good company. Watch out for douchebags. & if you plan on getting blood and vomit all over the place, don’t wear your favorite outfit..

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“Far from Forever”

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“Light reflects¬†from your shadow, it is more than I thought could exist. You move through the room like breathing was easy. If someone believed me, they would be as in love with you as I am. & everyday I’m learning about you the things that no one else sees and the end comes too soon like dreaming of angels and leaving without them” – Angels by the xx

 

If there is one thing I know about it is dreaming of angels and not wanting to wake up without them. Holding on to that sleep until it is ripped from your mind, your heart left empty. I’ve had dreams¬† of my best friend, who passed away in a car accident, screaming for me to save her. What I wouldn’t have been there to pull her away from it all. I’ve had dreams of my daddy like it was a regular day and then realizing it couldn’t be real because he was gone forever and then running towards him knowing I didn’t want to wake up from it all. Being ripped from those dreams without them is always like losing them all over again.

I’m a strong believer that there are angels here on earth as well. Those are the people that we see and like the lyrics says, makes breathing look easy. Their perfection fills the whole room and draws you in to the point that there is nothing else in the room that matters. The real world turns into a dream and you don’t want to wake up from that moment, but knowing that you will have to. Knowing that it is a real passing moment, but real or not it will be ripped away from you, taking a piece of you with it when it goes.

Others around you don’t see what you see, your dream is your own and nobody can change it. It is when they are gone that the feeling of waking up comes, not knowing when you will see them again.¬†But that’s what angels are right? Some type of perfect illusion that you can come so close to touching but it never quite seems in your grasp. But in the same breath angels are the ones that save us, they show us feelings that we did not know existed, feelings that you can’t live with but you couldn’t dream living without after you have felt them.

There are different types of angels here of course, but the ones I speak of are the type that the song from the lyrics above describe. The one that only you understand.

This is what I wrote for my angel on Earth.

Here is to loving angels.

Transfer the pain
give it to me
without him
the point I do not see
give him a love
that is enough for his heart
to be made whole
to take all control
to give a hope
that it will forever be
let it be something he can see
she won’t let him down
she won’t let him go
let her love be enough
to break through the wall
no matter how hard I push
they just won’t fall
he said let go
so go I must
I’ll let him think
it’s all enough
but the love I had is still around
I can’t let go
it’s enough for me
so hard to see
how it coulnd’t be me
there has to be someone
someone better
someone right
to get him through the lonely night
make his dreams come true
someone he loves
that can love him too
a love like mine
I can’t imagine one more
it is impossible
but here I am
left so dark
left so cold
we both will move
poker face on
into the night
seperate, together
loving a love
far from forever

Love Always,
Lindsay.

Here is a cover of the song by a girl that I am absolutely in love with. She is on this season of the voice. You should without a doubt check her out.

 

 

http://youtu.be/J2oU9chfZuE 

Live for Your Life

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Being new here I would first like to share the most important words I have ever chose to write. Words that express an experience that makes a huge part of who I am.

I had a best friend of three years, we did everything together. We worked together, went out together, worked out together, got boones farm wasty, had photo shoots, went to the pool, and laid and talked about life, love, and the future. Her future got taken away from her about a year ago, for she will be forever young & forever 21. I have experienced loss before but I can promise it does not ever get easier. But I have realized through words and living to make them proud is the best way to deal with it. I immediately, literally hours after I found out she passed away, sat down and wrote this.

I hope you can relate and let me know what you think. If you have someone that this reminds you of or someone you have lost, please feel free to share your story with me!

 

In a time where the bad steals from the good,
with love becoming our hate
our protection becoming our killer
before you give in, step back and look around
you are still here
what is time, but a moment waiting to slip away
live for your life
be the good you want to see
in a time where our enemy is a friend
death comes at too young of an age
what is time but an idea
that more can be lived in an hour than an entire lifetime
so live for your life
remembering the good and putting to waste the bad
trying to make it in a time where the good die young
the greedy move along with no worries and no heart
but what is time, but an opportunity to show these hearts of ours
prove to the world we are worth its time
so live your life and be the story you want to be told.

 

-Love Always,

Lindsay ūüôā