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Sinking at the Shore

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Im walking away, im turning around
this is where the saving ends
and real life will begin
real love will take me home
the sand beneath my feet
the ocean overflowing
as I make it to shore
you find yourself at the bottom
no one left that knows the way
next time you find me
my smile will be for someone else
cause I’m walking away, I’m turning around
this is where the saving ends
and real life begins
the water is unclear
the storm is stirring, waiting
waiting for the lost
taking down the broken
saving the bent
cause its time
im walking away, im turning around
this is where the saving you ends
and real life begins
all the words built up
buried treasure under the sea
take a look around
you are drowning
along with what we could be


Where my mind goes

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Just a rant.

No pain, no gain that’s what they say
but what if I wanna gain
gain a few pounds of intelligence
pronounce my way to eloquence
so I can put a fence around my mind
distress the words I always find
hide the tries and show the lies
to please their trend
so they can mend
mend their healing
to have no feeling
so the world can shove their filthy traits
where all the minons
we become the bait

Drugs, Dreams, & Douchebags

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Ever have something happen to you that you swore wouldn’t? Yeah, me too. A few times, but this is a good example from this past weekend. I’m finally thinking straight enough to get it out halfway comprehensible. 🙂

So going out with friends downtown seems harmless enough, until it’s not. It seems to have happened in a blink of an eye. One second I was hanging out with friends then the next moment I am waking up in an ER scared and missing a whole chunk of my night from my memory. Had I been watching my drink, this could have been prevented.

I found it harmless to walk away from my drink to talk to complete strangers, how wrong was I? Very, to put it lightly. Because this is the last thing I remember until waking up in the  ER at about 4 in the morning.

Well I take that back. I remember characters from the show from Once Upon a Time attempting to attack me. (Appartently I had been watching that a bit too much.) I remember a neckbrace and hands coming at me and I was fighitng them off, because I thought I was being held against my will. These were all the people of downtown, I am assuming. Then, they were the doctors and nurses trying to help me after I fell off a curb and hit my head.

I am told I fell off a curb and hit my head, which the bump on my head and nasty knee easily proves. I am told I passed out but came to shortly after, none of which I remember. I am also told none of this is my fault, but I can’t help to feel it could have easily been prevented. I can’t help but feel it could have been so much worse had my roomate let me go with the guy from the bar that was angry when she told him I was going with her.

I remember at one point (during my hallucinations) a doctor came in with a piece of paper and a cell phone. On the paper was my boyfriends phone number. I thought, “Thank God,” this is a “good guy” and he has come to help me escape. I literally left a voicemail on my boyfriend’s phone to come get me in which he could barely hear because I was terrified the other doctors and nurses would find out I was attempting to escape.

When I started to come to I remember a nurse asking me personal info, my address which I am not completely sure I gave the correct one, and an emergency contact. I gave her my mom’s name but my dad’s cell number. A number I have not dialed or thought of in over two years. He passed away in August of 2011. I did not even realize I still had that hidden away in my brain somewhere.

The nurse tells me with shock in her voice that my alcohol level was not high at all. I guess they thought I had just had too much since my roomate told them I wasn’t on drugs. I have never done a drug in my life so there was no reason to think I had. The same nurse said she could tell that I was a completely different person and totally out of it when I came in.

Then my boyfriend comes in and I finally feel the relief that everything is going to be okay. Walking out, in scrubs because my clothes were way past saving, I swore that I was back in my hometown hospital waiting room where my dad was when he had his heart problem. I started asking why they would take me there and wondering how they knew where he had been. Tears begin to fall regardless of all the peoples eyes pinned on me. It was not until I got in the car that I realized I was four hours away from home and being there would be impossible.

On the way home I was still way out of it but at least I was half consious of the actual world and not some imaginary one I cooked up in my mind. It has been five days since that happened, I went back to work on Monday which might not have been the best idea. I have just been so tired and aching for this bump on the back of my head to go away.

After all is said and done I am just so thankful that it was not worse.

Two weird random facts:
1. I dreamed the night I got out about a huge wave of water fixing to crash over me. I watched the next episode of Once Upon a Time the next day, I saw the same wave in that episode. I had never seen a preview or anything of the sorts.
2. Remember the phone number & me thinking I was in a hospital from back home? Quote from the same episode, “Isn’t it funny how things you haven’t thought of in years can still have the ability to make you cry?” I told my best friend, & he said maybe your dad is trying to tell you something.. After that message from him this is the next quote, “In order to move on and not keep making the same mistake you have to let go of the past.” This was all about rumplestilskins dad. The fact that I’ve been having problems letting go of my losses, just kinda seemed weird how it all played out.

But if you take anything from this story let it be, it can happen to you. If you are going out, watch your drink. Make sure you are in good company. Watch out for douchebags. & if you plan on getting blood and vomit all over the place, don’t wear your favorite outfit..

Everything happens for a reason?

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Fate..Destiny..Everything happens for a reason. Do you believe in it?

Ever since I was little I was fascinated with fairytales and dreams come true. I always believed if something happened it was for a reason and even if it took some time, I would figure out why. But, as I grow older I find myself not seeing the point in a lot of things. I find myself feeling the impossiblity of being truly happy. Maybe that is what turning into an adult is?

Well if that’s true, than I just don’t ever want to be an adult. I think maybe that is the secret to life, never growing up. Children, at least most of them, are so full of hopes, dreams, trust, love, & goodness. Adults, at least most of them, find themselves lacking in at least one or more of these areas. We lose hope when our dreams are crushed. We lose trust when we are mislead and cheated. We lose love by losing the ones we love and feeling what pain comes with love. We lose goodness when we lose these things.

The things is all these traits are still somewhere inside us, they come out in the most unexpected times. So, I guess my challenge to myself and others would be to hold onto the goodness. Remember what it feels like and don’t let it go. Remember the older you get the more bad things that are going to happen, but that shouldn’t keep you from keeping your dreams, trusting those that don’t give you a reason not to. So have crazy dreams, fall in love, take that trip, go for a run, play pretend, take chances, & find that reason for your life in the things & people around you. If you look for it I promise you will find a reason for everything being the way it is. You would not be where you are if it were not for destiny, you are meant to be exactly where you are. Don’t worry about the past and the things you can’t change. Just make sure to listen to your inner self 🙂

Be a kid again!!

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Love always,


“Far from Forever”

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“Light reflects from your shadow, it is more than I thought could exist. You move through the room like breathing was easy. If someone believed me, they would be as in love with you as I am. & everyday I’m learning about you the things that no one else sees and the end comes too soon like dreaming of angels and leaving without them” – Angels by the xx


If there is one thing I know about it is dreaming of angels and not wanting to wake up without them. Holding on to that sleep until it is ripped from your mind, your heart left empty. I’ve had dreams  of my best friend, who passed away in a car accident, screaming for me to save her. What I wouldn’t have been there to pull her away from it all. I’ve had dreams of my daddy like it was a regular day and then realizing it couldn’t be real because he was gone forever and then running towards him knowing I didn’t want to wake up from it all. Being ripped from those dreams without them is always like losing them all over again.

I’m a strong believer that there are angels here on earth as well. Those are the people that we see and like the lyrics says, makes breathing look easy. Their perfection fills the whole room and draws you in to the point that there is nothing else in the room that matters. The real world turns into a dream and you don’t want to wake up from that moment, but knowing that you will have to. Knowing that it is a real passing moment, but real or not it will be ripped away from you, taking a piece of you with it when it goes.

Others around you don’t see what you see, your dream is your own and nobody can change it. It is when they are gone that the feeling of waking up comes, not knowing when you will see them again. But that’s what angels are right? Some type of perfect illusion that you can come so close to touching but it never quite seems in your grasp. But in the same breath angels are the ones that save us, they show us feelings that we did not know existed, feelings that you can’t live with but you couldn’t dream living without after you have felt them.

There are different types of angels here of course, but the ones I speak of are the type that the song from the lyrics above describe. The one that only you understand.

This is what I wrote for my angel on Earth.

Here is to loving angels.

Transfer the pain
give it to me
without him
the point I do not see
give him a love
that is enough for his heart
to be made whole
to take all control
to give a hope
that it will forever be
let it be something he can see
she won’t let him down
she won’t let him go
let her love be enough
to break through the wall
no matter how hard I push
they just won’t fall
he said let go
so go I must
I’ll let him think
it’s all enough
but the love I had is still around
I can’t let go
it’s enough for me
so hard to see
how it coulnd’t be me
there has to be someone
someone better
someone right
to get him through the lonely night
make his dreams come true
someone he loves
that can love him too
a love like mine
I can’t imagine one more
it is impossible
but here I am
left so dark
left so cold
we both will move
poker face on
into the night
seperate, together
loving a love
far from forever

Love Always,

Here is a cover of the song by a girl that I am absolutely in love with. She is on this season of the voice. You should without a doubt check her out. 

Kids these days, How long have we heard that saying?

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Kids these days..How long have we heard that saying? & when will it change?

“We are not in JR high no mo, we are in high school, I will drag you outside and beat your butt.” Hmm.. the words that I hear in the hallway as I write. First, “no mo” and we are not in JR High should not be used in the same sentence. Second, yelling about how you are going to bring somebody outside and beat their butt, those words should stay in JR high as well.

I often wonder about the state of our world and where it is headed, then I hear statements like that. I am now reassured that unless something changes unless our world starts putting its efforts towards bettering our children instead of making sure they have a violent movie or sports team to watch we will continue to spiral down

I work around high school kids everyday and hear things that blow my mind. For example, “I don’t need to graduate, I’m just gonna have kids and stay at home.” Where do these ideas come from? I realize it is not a new thing but something has got to change before the people of the world become sucked into believing there is nothing this world can offer them besides social media likes, babies, & welfare.

This all starts at home and in the schools. So parents and educators don’t let these kids get away with believing violence is the answer. Don’t let them superglue their hands to their cell phones. Give them hope, figure out their dreams and help them to achieve them. Sometimes they just need someone to believe in them.

So that is my short rant on that, I could go on for days. But, seeing as I had not planned to even get into that today I’ll keep it short and sweet.

Give me your opinion on it all…


Also, check out this girl!! Amazing drawings.. I am in love.